If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
