That's intense
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
