I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
