Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
