Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize