If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
