Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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