a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
