I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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