i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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