Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
