worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
