he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
