pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
