I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
