There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
