i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
