i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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