I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
