did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
