Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
