Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
