I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
