Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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