just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I deserve this hangover.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
