i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
