Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
