Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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