my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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