Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
What a dumb baby whore.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
