My vagina just recognized that song.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
