When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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