The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
