Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
