There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
