it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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