I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
