The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
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And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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