my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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