i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
