Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
