My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
