Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Say something about gay babies.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
