I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
