she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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