I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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