toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
