Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
