I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
