u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
from now on my penis is your penis
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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