Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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