my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
