he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
