There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
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