I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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