I just pynch a tree in the face
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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