After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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