OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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