if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
