WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
