oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
