Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
