this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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